


Just by a Nose

by krow



Category: Eurovision Song Contest RPF
Genre: Eurovision Song Contest 2016, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-11 23:11:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7074658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krow/pseuds/krow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone's favorite Eurovision star-slash-black widow Laura Tesoro is at it again -- this time shaking the glitter off in fabulous Las Vegas! When Laura and her media rep-cum-manager Sebastian Krowton hit Sin City for a nip/tuck makeover, Laura suddenly finds herself caught between not one but two single Hollywood A-listers. With her penchant for disaster looming large, will Laura gamble it all for love or crap out as she tries to hit it big? It's a straight-up decadent adventure as absolutely nothing is off limits in this snarky and downright hysterical sequel to "Another One Bites the Dust."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

FADE IN: 

 

INT. LARGE AUDITORIUM MAIN STAGE - DAY

 

A pitch-black stage slowly lightens to reveal a group of 5 people, posed, faces down. There’s a bright orange McLaren smack in the center. In the middle of the group it’s LAURA TESORO, 20, Belgian popstar, actress, and former top five finisher in Eurovision 2016 wearing a sexy Formula 1 outfit -- longsleeved but zipped low in the front with hotpants. 

 

Her red hair falls in ringlets around her shoulders. She is flanked by a team of backup dancers, dressed as a sexy pit crew, as they start a choreographed, high-energy dance routine to Rihanna’s 2007 rock single Shut Up and Drive. Dancers swerve and sway with Laura before carrying her by her outstretched arms to the top of the car. 

 

The audience is nearly empty, save her PR liaison and newly-minted manager, the American SEBASTIAN KROWTON, 31, sitting to the left of a PRODUCER in a trendy suit and sunglasses. Next to the producer, American pop superstar JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is nodding along to the performance. 

 

PRODUCER

She can do this 45 minutes without stopping? 

 

SEBASTIAN

Hell yeah. She’s 20. Robyn says she can go all night. 

(pauses a beat)

Dancing. 

 

PRODUCER

She lip-sync?

 

SEBASTIAN

What? Of course not. She was in Eurovi-- she was on  
the Voi-- 

(shakes head)

She doesn’t lip-synch.

 

With the backup dancers in front of the car, Laura turns around and bends over, amply shaking her backside, before launching into a backflip into her backup dancers who catch and release her into a flawless double layout, which she lands just as sparks from the side of the stage go off and bubbles rain from the ceiling. 

 

Without missing a beat, Laura is back on her feet -- her vocals bright and gorgeous throughout -- and perched atop the car, which suddenly starts spinning around the stage as Laura dances frenzied and low on top, with her dancers in sync as the song comes to a jaw-dropping finish. Laura jumps off the moving car into her dancers, who flip her right-side up. Laura is posing, visibly out of breath.

 

She knows she nailed it. Justin and the producer nod to each other, looking just this side of impressed.

 

SEBASTIAN

(smiling wryly)

So, guys. Does Justin have his Western Europe  
opening act this summer or what?

 

Justin whispers something to the producer.

 

PRODUCER

He thought it was pretty aiight.

 

Sebastian raises his hands, palms up.

 

SEBASTIAN

Great!

 

Justin gets up and begins to leave. The producer gets up to follow Justin out. Laura hasn’t moved from her final position. She’s still out of breath and standing perfectly still smiling. Justin walks past the stage and shoots Laura a huge smile. He nods and gives her the OK sign which morphs into a thumbs up. He’s all smiles as he exits.

 

PRODUCER

Justin says if you find a girl with that talent and Kate  
Beckinsale’s nose, we might work something out.

 

The producer gets up to follow Justin out. Sebastian’s mouth is open and he closes his eyes and gives an exasperated sigh.

 

SEBASTIAN

(calling after)

Call me! We’ll do lunch! My treat!

 

The theater door slams shut. Sebastian looks at a beaming Laura who is looking for reassurance from the stage. Sebastian gives her a strained smile back.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. THEATER PARKING LOT - DAY

 

We see the orange McLaren up close as it’s slowly being driven onto the back of a flatbed truck. Laura and Sebastian are outside the theater nearby. 

 

LAURA

(bubbly)

That went awesome. Better than rehearsal. What did Justin  
think? He seemed to really like it. 

 

SEBASTIAN

(frowns)

Mmm. . .

 

LAURA

No?

 

SEBASTIAN

Let’s just say Shut Up and Drive ended in a flaming  
car wreck. It’s just lucky we survived. 

 

Laura and Sebastian begin walking toward their hired black car service.

 

LAURA

(crestfallen)

No. Robyn put a good word in and everything.  
You said it was a lock.

 

SEBASTIAN

(frustrated)

Of course I thought it was a lock. It cost us three   
grand to rent that damn McLaren. And the venue  
charged for sparks by the freaking second.

 

LAURA

You’re not giving up are you? When I took you on as   
my manager, Sebastian, you said you’d do everything  
in your power to make as big of a star as possible.  
Can’t you do something?

 

SEBASTIAN

Laura, you know I would never lie to you, right?

 

LAURA

Of course. Although, come to think of it, you did say you   
were going to learn Dutch. And then there’s that  
meeting with Skrillex you promised me . . .

 

SEBASTIAN

I think we’re getting side-tracked here. Point is:  
This was Justin’s call. It’s his tour.

 

LAURA

(sigh)

Did he say why?

 

SEBASTIAN 

Yes, but it’s not your fault. You’ve been  
groomed for stardom in backwater Europe  
among the . . .

(shudders)

Jessie J’s and Cheryl Cole’s. Don’t even get me started  
on those Eurovision nonstarters. The best thing  
you could have done for Michal Szpak’s career was letting  
him choke on that crab cake. The truth is, it’s an American popstar’s  
world. It’s a whole different ballgame. The good news is that it frees  
up your summer for a whole new adventure.

 

LAURA

Oh, _verdomme_. I can’t even think about that right now.  
Everything was riding on this tour. I was so close. What am I  
going to do? 

 

SEBASTIAN

I’ll tell you exactly what you’re going to do. You’re going to go  
home, throw some of that cheap shiny, sequined shit you love in a bag,  
grab your passport and meet me at the airport tomorrow bright and  
early. 

 

LAURA

(skeptical)

Going … where?

 

SEBASTIAN

Vegas, baby.

 

LAURA

Vegas? What am I going to do in Vegas?

 

The pair reach their car Sebastian opens the door for Laura but they don’t get in. The car door separates them. 

 

SEBASTIAN

Remember how I said that little dance of yours ended  
in a car wreck?

 

Laura nods. Sebastian lifts his hand up to Laura’s face and pinches her nose.

 

(COT’D)

Well, it turns out there was one casualty. 

 

FADE OUT:

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. LAS VEGAS BLVD - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

 

Aerial shots of the Las Vegas Strip at night reveal Sin City in all its flashing neon majesty. Then, close up exteriors of the Wynn, Palazzo, Mandarin Oriental and other luxe hotels ending with a pan down the Mandalay Bay as night suddenly shifts to day. 

 

EXT. LUXOR HOTEL VALET - DAY

 

We pull back away from Mandalay to its neighbor, the pyramid-shaped Luxor, and down to its valet and entrance. 

 

Sebastian is standing there, a ton of luggage strapped to his body. He’s looking wistfully up at the Mandalay and sighs heavily.

 

Laura is ebullient standing next to him and holding a digital camera. She snaps a pic of the entrance and the pair start walking in. Sebastian finds a bellhop and dumps the heaps of luggage with him, then catches up with Laura.

 

CUT TO:   
  
INT. LUXOR CASINO - DAY 

 

Sebastian and Laura are walking through the casino floor to the registration desk.

 

SEBASTIAN

I can’t believe I let you talk us into staying at the Luxor.  
If anyone asks, we’re only here because your dad is looking  
to buy it. 

 

LAURA

Where’s your sense of adventure, Sebastian? I always   
dreamed of staying here when I was a little girl. Hey, do you  
think the buffet serves real Egyptian cuisine? I heard camel milk is  
the next superfood.

 

SEBASTIAN

Yes, I heard that, too. But it’s low-rent   
America here, Laur. The plastic cups have NASCAR  
flags on them. I can’t believe that for just $1,200 a night,  
we could be in a high-tech Mandarin Oriental suite where the  
bathtub talks to you.

 

LAURA

You don’t need to spend that much  
for luxury. This place is nicer than every  
hotel in Belgium.

 

SEBASTIAN

(eyelids fluttering)

Purely because you have a consult for major elective   
surgery tomorrow, I’m not going to belabor the point that that  
says infinitely more about Belgium than it does about the Luxor. 

 

LAURA

(gasps)

Look, the Isis arcade! 

 

Laura stops to take a picture of a bustling arcade with the piercing sound of machinegun fire, where small children are shooting plastic guns at screens, and each other. Sebastian groans and slips on his sunglasses covering his face with his hand.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. LUXOR FRONT DESK AREA - DAY

 

Laura and Sebastian walk up to an open FRONT DESK CLERK. Sebastian hands her a passport and credit card.

 

SEBASTIAN

(low)

Yes, uh, we have reservations under Scarlett Johansson  
and Emile Hirsch.

 

LAURA

Sebastian!

 

SEBASTIAN

I wanted to get the best rooms possible. This   
ain’t an Antwerp drag bar. Your name don’t exactly  
turn heads here.

 

CLERK  
  
Yes, I got it. Two queens?

 

SEBASTIAN

No, just one queen. Oh, you mean the rooms,  
yes.

 

CLERK

OK I have you down for a monthlong stay.   
Hm, I see here under special requests you asked for  
a Belgian-free floor?

 

SEBASTIAN

Well we might make an exception for Van Damme. I’m going to  
go out on a limb and say he stays here a lot.

 

Sebastian places a $10 bill on the counter and slides it toward the Clerk. 

 

(COT’D)

Anything you can do to make our reservation more . . .  
memorable would be greatly appreciated.

 

CLERK

Thank you, sir. Mm, I’m sorry all I’m seeing available is your original  
reservation, fifth floor, parking structure view. Now will that be one room  
key or two?

 

Sebastian’s mouth opens. He starts to slowly reach for the $10 back but the Clerk takes it. 

 

(COT’D)

Sir, one key or two?

 

Sebastian sighs as, click! Laura snaps a pic of him with her camera.

  
FADE OUT:


	2. Chapter 2

FADE IN:

 

INT. PLASTIC SURGEON’S OFFICE - DAY

 

Laura and Sebastian are sitting in a sterile doctor’s office waiting room. Laura is leafing through a pamphlet titled Your First Rhinoplasty. 

 

LAURA

It says here both my eyes will be bruised   
for about a week.

 

SEBASTIAN

Yeah, it’s the full Chris Brown experience,   
just like a real star. 

 

LAURA

Oh no. It says I can’t dance for eight  
months! Sebastian, that’s my whole  
career. 

 

SEBASTIAN

Don’t worry, Laura. I’m way ahead of you.  
I figure we’ll get you back into acting, shoot   
for a little coming of age indie for some easy   
festival bait. I’m already reading scripts.

 

LAURA

I can do that. Anything good? 

 

SEBASTIAN

Well, there’s one where you play Anne Frank’s  
muff-munching cousin. And another where   
you lez-out with a teacher at boarding school Carol   
style. One of them has cancer, I think. I only  
google translated every other page. 

 

LAURA

Why do I have to play a lesbian?

 

SEBASTIAN

Because you’re acting in Dutch. No one’s  
gonna sit through subtitles if you’re not knee deep   
in tuna fish taco every half hour like clockwork. It’s   
sophisticated cinema.

 

A NURSE walks in holding a clipboard. 

 

NURSE

Laura Tesoro? Dr. Steesman is ready  
for you.

 

Laura widens her eyes, a hint of apprehension flashes.

 

CUT TO:

 

Sebastian and Laura are sitting alone in an expansive office, with modern art of beautiful women on the walls. They are in front of a large desk. An award reading Las Vegas Plastic Surgeon of the Year, 2004 is on the desk. Laura is holding a photocard chart of various noses.

 

LAURA

I still don’t get what I’m doing here.

 

SEBASTIAN

Laura, I said I would do anything it takes to   
make you a star, and part of that requires me  
to force you into this elective surgery. A new nose  
will open up doors you’ve never even dreamed of:   
like auditioning for one-line parts on American web   
series.

 

LAURA

No, the nose job I get. But why did we have to come  
all the way to Las Vegas to do it? There’s a   
perfectly good doctor up in Roeselare where Aunt   
Geertje had a wart removed.

 

SEBASTIAN

Because, Laura, there are certain things you   
just don’t entrust to a Belgian. Well, that would be pretty   
much everything but waffles come to think of it, but   
Dr. Steesman is the best of the best. The scuttlebut is   
he does . . .

(mouthing silently)

SEBASTIAN (COT'D)

Céline.

 

LAURA

(shaking head)

What? 

 

SEBASTIAN

(whispering)

Céline. 

 

Laura throws up her hands.

 

LAURA

What?

 

SEBASTIAN

(shouting)

Céline, Laura, Céline! He fixed Céline  
Dion’s old horse face!

 

Just then, DR. STEESMAN, an older man in his 50s, enters and gives a funny look to Sebastian. Sebastian straightens himself out and smiles awkwardly.

 

Click! Laura snaps a pic on her camera.

 

CUT TO:

 

Dr. Steesman is sitting at his desk across from Laura and Sebastian. He hands Laura another nose chart. Laura starts studying it.

 

STEESMAN

So, Laura. Why don’t you take a look at these   
noses and let me know your thoughts.

 

LAURA

So many noses to choose from. Sluiced   
aquiline? Angel-winged celestial? The   
Turnt-up?

 

SEBASTIAN (O.S)

(low)

Holla!

 

STEESMAN

Please, take your time.

 

SEBASTIAN

Dr. Steesman -- Sebastian Krowton,   
media liaison extraordinaire. I   
represent Laura’s talent management   
interests--

 

STEESMAN

Uh-oh.

 

Laura glances at Sebastian underneath a furrowed brow.

 

SEBASTIAN

After painstaking research and   
contemplation, we’ve actually already   
decided on a nose.

 

Sebastian pulls out his phone and hands it to Steesman. On it, a fullsize picture of Kate Beckinsale.

 

SEBASTIAN (COT’D)

We’re going full Beckinsale.

FADE OUT:


End file.
